2015 - here we go!

So much for my 'I will blog every day challenge' oops doopsy doo as my girls say ;) It has been quite a hectic end of year period for me and my family and we were out of the country over Christmas so REALLY.... it's not my fault! HA!! 

We were extremely blessed to go to Malawi for Christmas, my eldest brother lives there and every second year or so we find ourselves huddled in the car and off for 12 hours or so until we eventually arrive, three borders and lots and lots of interesting scenery, we are finally there! Thew!! This year, my husband's boss kindly allowed us to use his flashy 4x4 Land Cruiser which was a breeze to drive (the last time we ventured to Malawi for Christmas it took us a mere 20 hours to get there due to car problems, sigh!). With my parents, little brother and aunt in convoy, we had a very blessed trip there and back and managed to really relax with our loved one's and watch as our children swam in Lake Malawi and just really enjoyed each others company! Praise God for giving us that much needed break!

So back to reality.... I have hit an anticlimax and feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall, trying to take complete control of my life again, lying awake at night worrying about finances and waking up with such a sore jaw obviously from clenching my teeth at night. Why do I do this to myself? WHY, WHY, WHY??!! 

I have an extremely stubborn streak in me and I honestly feel that God is allowing me to hit my head, waiting for me to throw my hands is the air and say, I GIVE UP, well here we go God, I GIVE UP! 

The precious Lord has blessed my family and me beyond a doubt, we have a truly beautiful home, wonderful children (honestly, people compliment me a lot at how wonderful they are), really nice jobs, wonderful families, special friends and good health.. Why then am I not grateful and happy for all my blessings?

My darling mum gave me The Resolution for Women book written by Priscilla Shirer, one of my most favourite people on this earth (whom I haven't ever laid eyes on in my life but whatever! I have watched countless of her videos and by goodness, I am a fan!) anyhoo, I am dying to dive in and read this book and change my attitude...

Till then, I have decided to start a gratitude diary once again... here we go.... I started one many years ago when I was once again going through a negative season, I just honestly don't give God enough credit for all the love and blessings he bestows upon me and my family. Honestly, any other person would jump at the chance to have my life and would look at me with disdain and say, shut your trap and just enjoy life... I pray that God knocks some sense into me this year...

SO, saying that...


This is me.... trying to be grateful ;)

Emotional healing

Today I listened to a life changing talk by Joyce Meyer about emotional healing...I was blown away!

http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=healing_and_hope

Joyce speaks about inward healing and gives the 10 stages to go through to help you with this process:-

1. Decide to get well.
2. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.-self-pity. Get yourself off your mind. Stop telling people what you’ve been through on and on. Everybody has their own story to tell.
3. Realize you are not the only one hurting other people are too don’t be self-centred.
4. Sow into others for your harvest.
5. Take responsibility, stop making excuses for how you have been treated and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
6. Face the truth. “Admit your own problem and ask someone to pray with you about the problem.
7. When God tells you to do something, don’t run from it. Chances are you will do what He wants anyway! God has a purpose for our lives, trust in Him.
8. Forgive and totally release all the people that have hurt you and forgive yourself.
9. Stop blaming and move on
10.Put the Holy Spirit in charge of your problems, He is your closest friend

It just made me realise that nothing God ever gives me is going to satisfy me and make me happy until I change my attitude! I need to work with what I have already, be happy with it. Have faith in myself that I am not going to fail at everything and trust that God has me exactly where He wants me and stop being so self indulged all the time... 

Yes I am! I often say, 'What about me?', 'Why doesn't someone do that for me?' , 'Poor me', I act like such a spoilt brat at times where I am sure there are other people out there that are more disadvantaged than me and given half the chance would jump at the things that I have in my life.  

I have a lot of attitude adjusting to do, growing up, forgiving and soul searching ahead for me. My eyes have been open! Praise God for bringing this to my attention.

I have been thinking about doing a couple of projects but always put them off because

a) I don't have the financial means to start them

b) I don't have the time

c) I don't have the courage

Well not anymore! People started things with less on their side! Get off your b-hind girl and get a motivating!!

So.......

here's me, with a new attitude adjusto!! 

Me, Me, Me

Oops, so I couldn't post in my blog yesterday because my internet was down, I live in a 3rd world country, this happens a lot ;)

I really feel that God is doing work in me, as I said in my earlier post, peeling back my layers! I try and be perfect all the time as well as being a stepford wife. I have flaws!! How liberating to write that on a public forum!! I constantly apologize for myself and bring myself down if I say something wrong or have an opinion someone else doesn't appreciate or agree with, I realised, that it's good to have your own opinion, it is why the world is so diverse and interesting... Imagine if we all were the same? B O R I N G.... Anyhoo, I caught myself today about to apoligize to a fellow friend for giving my opinion about our educational system, she didn't necessarily get upset with me but I could feel she didn't agree with what my opinion was. I felt so 'grown up' refusing to apologize for my behaviour nor my opinion.

We had the Colour Run here yesterday, I don't normally go out wearing shorts or showing my legs without self tan purely because I am very fair skinned and unfortunately, I do not tan easily. So yesterday, I was about to ask my husband sweetly to administer said Self Tan but then thought, what is the point?!! I am going to get colour all over my body anyway.... Still, I didn't care what people thought. L O V I N G the strength!

I am me, God made me the way I am, yes I say things before speaking, yes I say things how I see them! No grey areas with me! It took guts for me to not apologize for my opinion after doing it for 31 years, habits die hard! It is all a process of being 'growing up' not caring what people think of me and just being happy being me. At the end of the day, I have to learn to love myself., this is My new challenge.

It is like meeting someone new and getting to know them, I am getting to know myself, without critizing, apologizing, hiding, degrading and belittling myself... not an easy task to do but God is doing a work in me after my cry out to Him to get me out of this dark place people call depression. God is so faithful, I asked for help... well... God delivered!

I don't think it is going to be easy, if it was easy, I would have rid this nasty habit years ago. To me, no amount of counselling will help me. The problem stems within, I need to fix the problem myself. I know I am going to have 'bad days' lose faith in myself and fail by apologizing for being me. I also think that I try make people laugh at me and get them to like me by ridiculing myself, I think or rather, have thought that if  do this, people will like me... It is tiring and often, people lose respect for me? I think so anyway....

So this is me... trying to be ME.....

Stumped

I am a little stumped as to what to blog today, but here we go....

I have recently reorganized and decorated my bosses home. It took me a full week! They were away so I had the place to myself and got to work! Wow, it was a hard job but I found my niche! It turns out after career guidance that Organization is one of my strong points.. who would have known? No wonder I am always saying to my family, please tidy up after yourselves.....

I really enjoyed reorganizing this project and am seriously considering starting a little business on the side. To my knowledge, nobody else is doing this in Harare. (The city in which I live). I can't tell you how nice it is to find something that you enjoy doing and you are passionate about. I have been jumping out of bed every morning with a mind full of ideas to put to practice. My brain hasn't been switching off at night though, too full with ideas ;)

I will try and post pictures of some of the rooms before and after!

This is me... Organizing ;) 

Obedience

Hello....

So about a year ago I decided to read the Bible from front to cover because I felt that I didn't know enough about the Bible. What a journey it has been! I have learnt so much. My husband brought me the most beautiful Life Principals Bible by Charles Stanley for my birthday last year and I just love my Bible. I have little devotionals to read and some chosen verses are explained in detail that apply to modern life... amazing! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! 

I am currently reading Isaiah and the reading today was about Obedience. It was as if God was giving me a tap on the shoulder ;) The reading was Isaiah 31:1 - Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, and rely on horses... but who do not look to the Holy One of Israel, nor seek the Lord!  (Charles Stanley writes) What is your 'Egypt'? What are your 'horses'? To what do you instinctively turn for help, other than your God? Those other things may seem more 'practical' to eyes of flesh, but only God provides aid that will last.... Wow! how profound is that? I constantly find myself turning to God last when I am in a cross section in my life. Honestly, only because I had the attitude of 'Why would God worry about my small problems when there is so much more out there that needs His attention! I was wrong! God wants us to cry out to Him, He wants to be a part of my life. He wants me to pray to Him for healing over my children when they are sick or protection over them as they go about their day. He is so personal and loves and wants me to turn to Him about every aspect in my life. God is so good :)

I recently turned down a job purely because I felt uncomfortable about taking it, far down in my gut, I knew it wasn't the path God wanted me to lead! I spent many a sleepless night praying for guidance and questioning God if he was sure that I shouldn't take the job, financially it was a huge risk! God really must laugh at me constantly trying to do His job for Him! We are in the process of buying our own home so finance is a big issue for us. Unfortunately, but it's life! Anyway, I turned the job down and two weeks later landed my bum in the butter! I landed a lovely job working for two lovely Christian guys and I get to spend time with my girls and be a part of their little lives. God is Good! 

I now challenge myself to turn to God for everything, I mean... parking space, decision making everything!

So.. that's me... trying to be obedient ;) 

ME - Uncovered

Welcome to my blog ;)

This is my very first blog... yay!!!

I have decided to start a blog purely to prove to myself that I can indeed finish something! So my goal and ambition is to blog every day for a week, then push it to everyday a month and so on and so forth.... 

I am 31 years old, wife and mommy to two precious girls, Leila and Taige, ages 5 & 3. I have the most wonderful, amazing and caring husband who I fall more in love with every day! We will be married for 7 years on the 15th December. Oh and I live in Zimbabwe, Afica. (And NO I don't ride an elephant to work :) I have a car as do most people in Africa - hee hee)

I have recently been diagnosed with depression, due to burning myself out working so hard and a large part to do with self hatred and worrying what people think of me and constantly trying to mould myself into other people's view of what I think they think I should be. E X H A U S T I N G! At the age of 31 and with two kids, I no longer have the engergy to please others but my family and myself!

I really feel God is working in me, peeling my layers like an onion and really making me sit and think that he made me WHO I am, why change? There is no other like me in this entire planet! Why not be me? I have loads of beautiful friends so I must be doing something right, yes? YES!! 

I get stronger every day and heal more everyday. I was bullied quite badly at school and it destroyed my self image, I cannot sit and feel sorry for myself any more that I was picked on. I can't blame someone else for my attitude and poor self image when I am responsible to make myself happy. Me no one else, I wake up and chose to be happy or sad. That is my decision.

I read the most profound post on Pinterest a few days ago and it has completely changed  my out look on life. It said, 'Would you talk to your best friend or loved one the way you talk to yourself? Would you be as harsh to them as you are to yourself? Then why do you treat yourSELF like you do?' Man, I tell ya, it hit home! I suddenly realised the way I have been treating myself my whole life. I would never dream to berate anyone the way I berate myself, ever! So from that day forward, I have been a whole lot nicer to myself - and guess what? I have a lot more peace and actually have started to like myself, progress!

I also realised when reading the bible how many haters Jesus had towards the last few years of his life. He was perfect, absolutely fautless, he loved, never judged. He healed the sick, spent time with the poor he was a fresh breath of air! Anyone would want Him as a friend - yet he had people who disliked Him. I got to thinking, if Jesus who was PERFECT in every way had a tough crowd to please then there was no hope for me trying to be everyone's friend. How liberating!! Honestly, thew, a whole building escaped my shoulders! I can be me and be around people who like me for me...

That's my story.. uncovered!