Me, Me, Me

Oops, so I couldn't post in my blog yesterday because my internet was down, I live in a 3rd world country, this happens a lot ;)

I really feel that God is doing work in me, as I said in my earlier post, peeling back my layers! I try and be perfect all the time as well as being a stepford wife. I have flaws!! How liberating to write that on a public forum!! I constantly apologize for myself and bring myself down if I say something wrong or have an opinion someone else doesn't appreciate or agree with, I realised, that it's good to have your own opinion, it is why the world is so diverse and interesting... Imagine if we all were the same? B O R I N G.... Anyhoo, I caught myself today about to apoligize to a fellow friend for giving my opinion about our educational system, she didn't necessarily get upset with me but I could feel she didn't agree with what my opinion was. I felt so 'grown up' refusing to apologize for my behaviour nor my opinion.

We had the Colour Run here yesterday, I don't normally go out wearing shorts or showing my legs without self tan purely because I am very fair skinned and unfortunately, I do not tan easily. So yesterday, I was about to ask my husband sweetly to administer said Self Tan but then thought, what is the point?!! I am going to get colour all over my body anyway.... Still, I didn't care what people thought. L O V I N G the strength!

I am me, God made me the way I am, yes I say things before speaking, yes I say things how I see them! No grey areas with me! It took guts for me to not apologize for my opinion after doing it for 31 years, habits die hard! It is all a process of being 'growing up' not caring what people think of me and just being happy being me. At the end of the day, I have to learn to love myself., this is My new challenge.

It is like meeting someone new and getting to know them, I am getting to know myself, without critizing, apologizing, hiding, degrading and belittling myself... not an easy task to do but God is doing a work in me after my cry out to Him to get me out of this dark place people call depression. God is so faithful, I asked for help... well... God delivered!

I don't think it is going to be easy, if it was easy, I would have rid this nasty habit years ago. To me, no amount of counselling will help me. The problem stems within, I need to fix the problem myself. I know I am going to have 'bad days' lose faith in myself and fail by apologizing for being me. I also think that I try make people laugh at me and get them to like me by ridiculing myself, I think or rather, have thought that if  do this, people will like me... It is tiring and often, people lose respect for me? I think so anyway....

So this is me... trying to be ME.....